Why your mind keeps replaying the same problem

Hi,

I'm Sam Doyle, and from now on I'll be writing to you from here. If you're here, it's because you were subscribed to my former publication on psychology.

I'm starting again with a change of focus: more on understanding how we think and decide than on theoretical concepts. Let's start with something almost everyone knows from the inside: the loop.

You're in bed, or in the car, or in the shower, and a problem starts playing again. A conversation that went wrong. A decision you haven't made yet. Something someone said that didn't sit right. You go over it once, then again, then from a slightly different angle, and at the end you're exactly where you started, only more tired, worried or frustrated.

All the reviews you did in your head feel like thinking, but don't fool yourself: it just isn't like thinking. At all.

Working on a problem vs. circling it

Psychologists separate two things that look the same at surface level. One is problem solving: you look at a situation, weigh your options and move toward something you can do. The other is rumination: you replay the situation, its causes and its consequences, without moving toward anything, replaying it again and again. The first ends in a decision or a next step. The second only ends when something interrupts it.

The research on rumination, much of it started by the psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, keeps pointing the same way: going over a problem again and again doesn't bring the clarity it is supposed to. It tends to deepen a low mood, make the problem look bigger than it really is and often leave people less sure of the solutions they do come up with.

So the real question isn't how to stop thinking about something, because you weren't really thinking. The question is how to turn the loop back into actual thinking, or how to set it down when there's nothing left to think.

Why the loop keeps coming back

Your mind is good at keeping track of unfinished business. Anything unresolved stays open, and it keeps knocking on your door. The trouble is that it doesn't tell the difference between a problem you can act on tonight and one you can't act on at all. Both get the same knock, and both get the same replay.

A three-question exit

Next time you notice you're on the third lap of the same thought, stop and ask yourself:

1. Is there anything I can actually do about this? If the answer is "no", the thought has nothing left to give you. Name it ("this is the loop again") and bring your attention back to what's in front of you. Naming it sounds too simple to work, but it does, because it puts a little distance between you and the thought, and that distance is often enough to gain perspective.

2. If the answer is "yes", ask yourself: what is the very next step? Not the whole solution, just the next step. Send the message. Look up the number. Write the two options side by side. A loop feeds on vagueness, and a concrete step gives it nowhere to go. Loops and concrete steps are just not compatible.

3. When will I do it? Put a time on it and write it down. Even if it's tomorrow at ten, your mind sees the problem has a slot and won't be forgotten, and the problem usually stops knocking.

For the loops that come at night

Keep a notepad by the bed. This is a trick I came up with during a time when I was sleeping badly and spent nights going over things, and not just loops. In that half-asleep state I also came up with ideas that seemed brilliant and turned out not to be in the morning. Write it down so your mind knows it's something you're going to deal with. So, when a thought starts circling, write it down, add the next step if there is one, and close the notebook. You're not solving it at one in the morning. You're telling your mind it has been noted and will be dealt with and, again, that's usually enough.

Some people go further and set aside fifteen minutes in the afternoon as thinking time for whatever has been bothering them. When a worry shows up at any other moment, they jot it down and leave it for that slot. It sounds rigid, but it tends to work better than fighting the thought head-on.

Try it this week

Pick one thing that keeps coming back to you. Run it through the three questions and write down your answers. That's all.

Until next week,

Sam